Admission into  Heaven

Admission into Heaven

Regular price $9,996.50 Sale

"A one-time gift of $10,000
guarantees you entry into Heaven with one special guest of your own choice.

Plus, a beautiful framed certificate to that effect, signed by me."

“Here is an important announcement: We’ve decided to found a church on this website, because we believe that even if we save just one solitary soul from eternal torment, then the founding of this church will have been worthwhile… especially as it gives us huge tax advantages.

Now we’re here to call ourselves the Church of JC Capitalist because here in the United States of America, Christian teaching is of course the cornerstone of the capitalist system. Televangelists in particular are setting a fine example to us all in the accumulation of great personal wealth, and illustrating the worldly rewards that real faith can bring us if we are truly humble… and have good marketing skills.

Now people have said to me quite critically that Christ spoke a lot about the poor, so what is ourchurch during about them? Well, as Christ himself so rightly said, “Blessed are the poor,” so they’re all right! They will get their reward in Heaven. No need to worry about them.

Now the Church of JC Capitalist is founded on two sacred principles. One, our focus groups tell us to target very anxious people with weak egos who are desperate for certainty. So this church will be very authoritarian, telling our members exactly what to think and do.And we guarantee to make them positively grow in self confidence because anyone at all who disagrees with us will go to Hell and be tortured with red hot pointy things forever and ever. Amen.

And the second principle is: Morals are only about sex.

So send money now! Inquire about different levels of membership And remember: A one-time gift of $10,000 guarantees you entry into Heaven with one special guest of your own choice. Plus, a beautiful framed certificate to that effect, signed by me - Join now!”

 

Quoted by Baron* John Marwood Cleese CBE*

(*declined)

Please note that we are in no way affiliated with the Church of the JC Capitalists, even though we admire them Bigly but we offer the exact same service, with John Cleese forged signature on an unframed digital gold certificate*, at a cheaper price! PLUS we throw in an additional $42.5 million worth of Best Wishes & Prayers.

*We will send you literally nothing.